The Voice of Keruv

How to Deal With Negative Jewish Attitudes About Converts - My Jewish Learning

2011-03-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

How to Deal With Negative Jewish Attitudes About Converts - My Jewish Learning

A story of intermarriage from the point of view of the parent of the Jew marrying a non-Jew.

2010-10-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

As my children were growing up, I never imagined that my husband and I would have to face the dilemma of intermarriage. When my son was doing his residency at City Hospital, he met a young woman who was a nurse there. They started dating. My husband and I were concerned about what the outcome would be of this relationship. Our son was very well aware of our feelings about marrying outside of our faith. As we saw the relationship becoming more serious, my husband spoke to our son about our feelings. My son replied, “Dad, Please trust me.” Although we strongly disapproved of our son’s interdating, we weren’t going to lose our son because of our differences. I remembered something that our Rabbi said to me: “When biology enters, theology leaves.” I tried to keep in perspective my son’s attachment to this woman in light of our feelings. The young lady was very sweet and caring, and one that anyone could like. The only roadblock in our minds was the fact that she wasn’t Jewish.

We saw the relationship becoming more and more serious, so we questioned our son again as to the direction in which this relationship was headed. His reply to us was the same, “I asked you to trust me. She is going to convert to Judaism.” We asked our son how the young woman’s decision came about. He said that when things started to get serious, he told her in no uncertain terms that the relationship would go no further unless she was willing to convert. Obviously she agreed and arrangements were made for her to go through the conversion program sponsored by the Regional Rabbinical Assembly(Conservative Movement).

Even though I am Jewish, I found the conversion classes to be very educational. In addition, a warm feeling permeated the atmosphere of the classes. At the end of the instruction period, I went with my future daughter-in-law to the Mikveh and to the conversion “graduation” ceremony.

In the course of this process, I asked my future daughter-in-law how she reached her decision to convert. She responded, “I love your son. I see how you live and how important Judaism is to you. Also, there were Jews in my family many years ago, so I was familiar with Judaism. I wanted to be a part of this way of life.”

My son and his fiancé were married. They are affiliated with a synagogue in the town in which they live. Their children go to Hebrew school and are involved in Jewish activities.

When our son first approached us about his relationship, my husband and I tried our best to be sensitive to his feelings and needs, as well as those of the young woman. We think it paid off in the end

A Story of Intermarriage (Part 2 of 2)

2010-09-01T10:07:00.007-07:00

My once happy family was no longer… the tension was palpable. I was the only child still in the house at this time so I was the one put in the middle of the conflict. I became the intermediary between my parents and my brother both parties hurt and angry. I listened to my parents discontent with their only son marrying a goy. I listened to my brother complain about how our parents were treating his fiancé. It was a long year… tensions grew as we approached the wedding day. A day that should have known only love and happiness was marred by hurt, anger and misunderstandings.

My parents really never reconciled themselves to the fact that my brother’s wife was not Jewish but over time began to accept their daughter-in-law. When they had their first child the drama started again. How were they going to raise this child? Was he to have a bris or a baptism? Here again, rather than the joy that this occasion warranted it became marred by hurt and anger.

A number of years have passed now. Even though our family has managed to stay connected there has been serious damage to the relationships of all involved. My brother shows the respect due our parents but the resentment he feels for their lack of acceptance of his wife in the beginning has marred his relationship with our parents. My parents feel like an outsider when at my brother’s house. They have missed out on being truly connected to their non-Jewish grandchildren. My parents were not comfortable sharing their Jewish traditions since the grandchildren were not being raised Jewish so the grandchildren have missed out ..learning about their Jewish heritage.

As for me, I went off to college. I dated both Jews and non-Jews. But whenever I come close to thinking I had found the “right” guy I would think about what my brother went through and decide it was not worth it. Right or wrong I do not feel like I could go to my parents with any decision I made that would contradict what they would think or want me to do and still have their love and unconditional acceptance.

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We want only the best for our children. Sometimes what we think is best for them is not what they think is best for them. How do we reconcile the difference and still keep our relationships loving and intact? It is a challenge that we all face everyday and on many different issues.

A Story of Intermarriage (Part 1 of 2)

2010-08-06T14:18:00.004-07:00

Over the next few months I will share with you stories from the Intermarried and Jew by Choice to give you some insight to the challenges they have faced and in some cases continue to face.

Here is one such story…

“I did not grow up in an overly observant household. Yet, we observed all the holidays, belonged to a synagogue and my siblings and I went to religious school. I am one of 3 children in my family. I have an older sister and brother… I am the youngest.

I was a senior in High school and my brother was finishing his senior year of college when he brought “her” home for spring break to meet his family. We knew he must be serious about her because once in college he had never brought any girls home and by the end of the weekend we knew how serious… they were engaged.

I was happy for him she seemed like a very nice person, they appeared to have a lot in common and more importantly they seemed very happy. My parents, though, were less than gracious. They didn’t say anything… “congratulations,” or “ welcome to the family”… nothing. I could tell my brother was bewildered by their reaction and my soon to be sister-in-law looked hurt and embarrassed. After a few awkward moments my mother changed the subject to something benign and soon after my brother and his fiancé left to go back to school. Once the door closed my mother burst into tears… “How could he? She’s not Jewish.” My father tried to comfort her but you could tell he was also saddened by the news.

I called my older sister, who had married a couple of years prior and moved to New York with her new “Jewish” husband, to tell her the good news and also share with her our parent’s reaction. She had already heard the news from our brother since he had called her on his way back to school. She shared with me how upset and confused our brother was by our parent’s reaction.

I have to admit to being totally dismayed. My parents had always been gracious and warm people. All three of us had had our share of friends in and out of the house over the years and our friends had not all been Jewish. Actually, most weren’t Jewish. Yet, my parents had always been welcoming and even encouraged us to have our friends over. But now… everything was different.

This is when I first became aware of my parents feelings about “marrying outside of the faith.”

To be continued….

Story of an Interfaith Couple

2010-08-05T14:14:00.004-07:00

My intent the last few months with “The voice of Keruv” has been to educate on the Keruv Initiative. To explore how the Initiative affects us as individuals, as a synagogue and as a Jewish community? Most of us have non-Jewish family members so Keruv is very much in the forefront of our thought process. Though we do not consciously define it as Keruv. We look at it as a mixed family trying to find harmony and acceptance within the complexities of a dual religious household.

I am sure most of you are not aware of the number of intermarried and Jew by Choice members we have in our synagogue. This is actually a good thing… it tells me, as a synagogue, we have been welcoming and have not discriminated. On the other hand, we have had some issues and of course, in general, there is always room for improvement.

Over the next few months I would like to share with you stories from our Intermarried and Jew by Choice members. This will give you some insight to the challenges they have faced and in some cases continue to face.

Here is one such story…

“You know he seems very religious, he has a Bible in his room.” my friend’s Jewish mother cautiously noted. It was Thanksgiving of 1983; I was visiting my friend’s home in Phoenix for the first time.

It was her family reunion with Aunts and Uncles, siblings and cousins from around the country. I also have a large family, so the amount and audibility of conversation during meals wasn’t unusual for me but I listened mostly. I didn’t learn until after we left Phoenix that my friend had prohibited her inquisitive Jewish father from asking questions about our relationship.

At the final dinner that weekend her Dad, a Judge and Lawyer, asked me what my plans were after the Air Force; perfectly legal within the parameters my friend had given him. My reply “I plan on entering the seminary.” literally stopped all conversation. After a slight jaw drop and only a moment delay he asked, “That would be a Catholic Priest?” We left shortly thereafter, and heard peals of laughter following us.

The seminary lasted about 4 years, many are called few are chosen. It was a good experience but I had decided to leave. My friend and I got back in contact with each other and the journey continued…

Next month we will share with you the challenges this couple faced being a Jew, a Catholic and in love.

The language we use

2010-05-08T18:23:00.002-07:00

“We teach our children: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”. As adults we realize that this is not necessarily true. Words can and do hurt and once said cannot be taken back.

In this time of political correctness, we are careful what we say in public. But it is what we say in private among ourselves that we should also take great care. It will make a difference in our relationships with not only our intermarried family members but with the Jews by Choice within our community.

When Jews are alone, we can manifest a certain elitist, judgmental, prejudicial and erroneous attitude in the statements we make, “jokes” we tell, and the language we use. How often have you heard: “Jewish men make better husbands, Jews are not alcoholics, there is no spouse abuse in Jewish households, Jewish neighborhoods are safer, Jewish schools, doctors, hospitals, lawyers, accountants are all superior?”

Similarly, there are terms we commonly use among ourselves sometimes-in jest and sometimes not which are hurtful and derogatory. Words such as, goyisha cup, shiksa, shwartza are offensive and demeaning.

Within this inner circle, we now have non-Jewish family members and Jews by choice with non-Jewish ties. When they hear this thoughtless language it hurts, causes resentment and anger. We need to put ourselves in their shoes. Would we like to be in a room with our non-Jewish family members and hear them make derogatory and demeaning ethnic comments about Jews?

If we want to reach out to our non-Jewish family members, and if we don’t want to disenfranchise our sons, daughters, brothers and sisters who choose non-Jewish spouses, then we need to heighten our awareness of the language we use. We must understand, we must remember and we must care that words can and do hurt.

Here are some words of wisdom:

“Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs.” Pearl Strachan

“Reckless words pierce like a sword...“ Proverbs 12:18

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.” Eric Idle Comedian

Being a Grandparent in an interfaith family

2010-04-09T10:45:00.004-07:00

As I thought about what I should write for this months Echo article I was conflicted as to what to write about. There are many issues facing the interfaith family. Where do we begin the journey into understanding these challenges and how do we welcome and offer support to members of these families?

Interfaith families come in all shapes and sizes. I would guess that most of you are touched in some way by the dynamics of an interfaith family. There are the “Jews by Birth” who have had a child, grandchild, sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin marry outside of the faith. We have the “Jews by Choice” who have chosen to embrace Judaism; they have family members who are not Jewish. As you can see, there can be many facets to an interfaith family. As I pondered where to begin one of my three grandsons came into the room. Then it came to me; here is what I would share today…

Grandchildren… they are a blessing. They bring us great joy but they can also present a challenge in an interfaith family. How do grandparents who are Jewish interact with their grandchildren who are being raised in another faith or without any religious guidance? How do you celebrate the holidays? How do you share your traditions and history? Do you find that you hold back or not include them in certain parts of your life because of a fear/concern of offending the non-Jewish in-law? These are all issues that can take away from the joy of being a grandparent. It can also cause anger and resentment when dealing with your son/daughter and their spouse.

So what do we do? Do we pretend it isn’t an issue or as some would say… “Sweep it under the rug”? This way we do not have to deal with it. That is precisely what has been happening in many families and even within the conservative movement. The Keruv Initiative is working on bringing this issue and many others facing the interfaith family into the forefront and finding ways in which to handle these situations with sensitivity and love.

If you would be interested in participating in a workshop dealing with “Being a Grandparent within an interfaith family?” Please email me at Keruv@bethelphoenix.com or call me at 480-313-8843. I would also like to recommend a book called “Mingled Roots” by Sunie Levin. It is an easy read full of helpful information on this matter.

JTS Intermarriage Workshop Signals Change On Issue

2010-03-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

JTS Intermarriage Workshop Signals Change On Issue

Are We Welcoming

2010-03-06T16:16:00.004-07:00

When I was first approached about being the Keruv consultant for Beth El Congregation I had two distinct reactions… “What is Keruv?” and “Why me?” Being relatively new to Beth El I was concerned that I didn’t know enough about Beth El and its membership to do justice to the role of Keruv consultant. With some trepidation I attended the Keruv training seminar in December sponsored by the FJMC. I wish every one of you could attend this seminar. It was awe-inspiring listening to the stories on why the Keruv Initiative was started and how far it has come in 10 years. I returned from training with my head filled with information and ideas but also with lots of questions.

As I talked about Keruv with Beth El personnel and members it became clear that there was one common theme… “I feel we are already welcoming but I suppose there is always room for improvement”. Each person I spoke with had a personal story to share about when they first came to Beth El. Some were made to feel very welcomed while others were not. After listening to these stories I came to the conclusion that there is a need for improvement until everyone who walks through the doors of Beth El Congregation feels welcomed. Realizing some of us are more social than others and taking into consideration that some of us are more comfortable within our own group, as Jews we must look within ourselves and say “Am I as friendly as I could be? Do I make an effort to greet a newcomer with a Shabbat Shalom?” Let us look to Abraham as our role model as he opened his tent to strangers and made them welcome. (Genesis 18.2)

Keruv Initiative

2010-02-25T20:48:00.006-07:00

The FJMC Keruv Initiative was launched to address the most profound change affecting the American Jewish Community in the 21^st Century. Professor Sylvia Barack Fishman of Brandeis University, in her study, “Choosing Jewish,” published by the American Jewish Committee, states that in the American Jewish Community today:

1) More than one-third of American Jews are married to non-Jews.

2) Close to one-half of recent “Jewish” marriages are between a Jew and a Non-Jew.

3) Of all the Jews who are co-habiting today, over 80% of these partnerships include individuals of non-Jewish origin.

With nearly half of all Jews marrying a non-Jew, most people in our Conservative congregations have an intermarried family member. Yet until recently, the issues surrounding intermarriage were rarely acknowledged in Conservative synagogues. Moreover, intermarried families who chose to affiliate, predominantly were choosing Reform congregations, where outreach programs were more common and synagogue polices were often more appealing.

As stated by Rabbi Artson, “We are driven to communities in which we feel welcomed and valued.” By implementing the Keruv Initiative at Beth El we will strive to be the community where all people feel welcomed and valued.

Simple stated the Keruv Initiative seeks to draw interested people to Judaism without changing our Jewish standards.

Keruv

2010-01-06T16:32:00.002-07:00

What is the Keruv Initiative? As the word implies, aims at bringing people closer to the synagogue, the Jewish community, and Jewish life itself.

We know our families are growing to include members who aren’t yet, and might never become, Jewish. Do these families feel comfortable when visiting our synagogue and taking part in our social activities? Do we as members of the synagogue reach out and welcome these individuals? Is there more we can do to include the inter-faith families in our community?

The Federation of Jewish Men’s Clubs and the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism have begun addressing these questions with an eye toward helping all Jewish families, in their many forms; find a home within the synagogue.