How to Deal With Negative Jewish Attitudes About Converts - My Jewish Learning

How to Deal With Negative Jewish Attitudes About Converts - My Jewish Learning

A story of intermarriage from the point of view of the parent of the Jew marrying a non-Jew.

As my children were growing up, I never imagined that my husband and I would have to face the dilemma of intermarriage. When my son was doing his residency at City Hospital, he met a young woman who was a nurse there. They started dating. My husband and I were concerned about what the outcome would be of this relationship. Our son was very well aware of our feelings about marrying outside of our faith. As we saw the relationship becoming more serious, my husband spoke to our son about our feelings. My son replied, “Dad, Please trust me.” Although we strongly disapproved of our son’s interdating, we weren’t going to lose our son because of our differences. I remembered something that our Rabbi said to me: “When biology enters, theology leaves.” I tried to keep in perspective my son’s attachment to this woman in light of our feelings. The young lady was very sweet and caring, and one that anyone could like. The only roadblock in our minds was the fact that she wasn’t Jewish.

We saw the relationship becoming more and more serious, so we questioned our son again as to the direction in which this relationship was headed. His reply to us was the same, “I asked you to trust me. She is going to convert to Judaism.” We asked our son how the young woman’s decision came about. He said that when things started to get serious, he told her in no uncertain terms that the relationship would go no further unless she was willing to convert. Obviously she agreed and arrangements were made for her to go through the conversion program sponsored by the Regional Rabbinical Assembly(Conservative Movement).

Even though I am Jewish, I found the conversion classes to be very educational. In addition, a warm feeling permeated the atmosphere of the classes. At the end of the instruction period, I went with my future daughter-in-law to the Mikveh and to the conversion “graduation” ceremony.

In the course of this process, I asked my future daughter-in-law how she reached her decision to convert. She responded, “I love your son. I see how you live and how important Judaism is to you. Also, there were Jews in my family many years ago, so I was familiar with Judaism. I wanted to be a part of this way of life.”

My son and his fiancé were married. They are affiliated with a synagogue in the town in which they live. Their children go to Hebrew school and are involved in Jewish activities.

When our son first approached us about his relationship, my husband and I tried our best to be sensitive to his feelings and needs, as well as those of the young woman. We think it paid off in the end

A Story of Intermarriage (Part 2 of 2)

My once happy family was no longer… the tension was palpable. I was the only child still in the house at this time so I was the one put in the middle of the conflict. I became the intermediary between my parents and my brother both parties hurt and angry. I listened to my parents discontent with their only son marrying a goy. I listened to my brother complain about how our parents were treating his fiancé. It was a long year… tensions grew as we approached the wedding day. A day that should have known only love and happiness was marred by hurt, anger and misunderstandings.

My parents really never reconciled themselves to the fact that my brother’s wife was not Jewish but over time began to accept their daughter-in-law. When they had their first child the drama started again. How were they going to raise this child? Was he to have a bris or a baptism? Here again, rather than the joy that this occasion warranted it became marred by hurt and anger.

A number of years have passed now. Even though our family has managed to stay connected there has been serious damage to the relationships of all involved. My brother shows the respect due our parents but the resentment he feels for their lack of acceptance of his wife in the beginning has marred his relationship with our parents. My parents feel like an outsider when at my brother’s house. They have missed out on being truly connected to their non-Jewish grandchildren. My parents were not comfortable sharing their Jewish traditions since the grandchildren were not being raised Jewish so the grandchildren have missed out ..learning about their Jewish heritage.

As for me, I went off to college. I dated both Jews and non-Jews. But whenever I come close to thinking I had found the “right” guy I would think about what my brother went through and decide it was not worth it. Right or wrong I do not feel like I could go to my parents with any decision I made that would contradict what they would think or want me to do and still have their love and unconditional acceptance.

_____________________________________________

We want only the best for our children. Sometimes what we think is best for them is not what they think is best for them. How do we reconcile the difference and still keep our relationships loving and intact? It is a challenge that we all face everyday and on many different issues.

A Story of Intermarriage (Part 1 of 2)

Over the next few months I will share with you stories from the Intermarried and Jew by Choice to give you some insight to the challenges they have faced and in some cases continue to face.

Here is one such story…

“I did not grow up in an overly observant household. Yet, we observed all the holidays, belonged to a synagogue and my siblings and I went to religious school. I am one of 3 children in my family. I have an older sister and brother… I am the youngest.

I was a senior in High school and my brother was finishing his senior year of college when he brought “her” home for spring break to meet his family. We knew he must be serious about her because once in college he had never brought any girls home and by the end of the weekend we knew how serious… they were engaged.

I was happy for him she seemed like a very nice person, they appeared to have a lot in common and more importantly they seemed very happy. My parents, though, were less than gracious. They didn’t say anything… “congratulations,” or “ welcome to the family”… nothing. I could tell my brother was bewildered by their reaction and my soon to be sister-in-law looked hurt and embarrassed. After a few awkward moments my mother changed the subject to something benign and soon after my brother and his fiancé left to go back to school. Once the door closed my mother burst into tears… “How could he? She’s not Jewish.” My father tried to comfort her but you could tell he was also saddened by the news.

I called my older sister, who had married a couple of years prior and moved to New York with her new “Jewish” husband, to tell her the good news and also share with her our parent’s reaction. She had already heard the news from our brother since he had called her on his way back to school. She shared with me how upset and confused our brother was by our parent’s reaction.

I have to admit to being totally dismayed. My parents had always been gracious and warm people. All three of us had had our share of friends in and out of the house over the years and our friends had not all been Jewish. Actually, most weren’t Jewish. Yet, my parents had always been welcoming and even encouraged us to have our friends over. But now… everything was different.

This is when I first became aware of my parents feelings about “marrying outside of the faith.”

To be continued….

Story of an Interfaith Couple

My intent the last few months with “The voice of Keruv” has been to educate on the Keruv Initiative. To explore how the Initiative affects us as individuals, as a synagogue and as a Jewish community? Most of us have non-Jewish family members so Keruv is very much in the forefront of our thought process. Though we do not consciously define it as Keruv. We look at it as a mixed family trying to find harmony and acceptance within the complexities of a dual religious household.

I am sure most of you are not aware of the number of intermarried and Jew by Choice members we have in our synagogue. This is actually a good thing… it tells me, as a synagogue, we have been welcoming and have not discriminated. On the other hand, we have had some issues and of course, in general, there is always room for improvement.

Over the next few months I would like to share with you stories from our Intermarried and Jew by Choice members. This will give you some insight to the challenges they have faced and in some cases continue to face.

Here is one such story…

“You know he seems very religious, he has a Bible in his room.” my friend’s Jewish mother cautiously noted. It was Thanksgiving of 1983; I was visiting my friend’s home in Phoenix for the first time.

It was her family reunion with Aunts and Uncles, siblings and cousins from around the country. I also have a large family, so the amount and audibility of conversation during meals wasn’t unusual for me but I listened mostly. I didn’t learn until after we left Phoenix that my friend had prohibited her inquisitive Jewish father from asking questions about our relationship.

At the final dinner that weekend her Dad, a Judge and Lawyer, asked me what my plans were after the Air Force; perfectly legal within the parameters my friend had given him. My reply “I plan on entering the seminary.” literally stopped all conversation. After a slight jaw drop and only a moment delay he asked, “That would be a Catholic Priest?” We left shortly thereafter, and heard peals of laughter following us.

The seminary lasted about 4 years, many are called few are chosen. It was a good experience but I had decided to leave. My friend and I got back in contact with each other and the journey continued…

Next month we will share with you the challenges this couple faced being a Jew, a Catholic and in love.